We’ve all been there. You’re trying to earn some quick cash to fund your chronic weed habit, so the most obvious solution is simple: sell a bit of weed on the side.
Only problem is, your brand new smartphone is getting too clogged up with phone calls and texts at 3am on a Thursday morning from some kid in the student halls on the other side of town – not to mention all these useless texts are stopping you from swiping aimlessly on Tinder, or watching those trickshot videos on Youtube.
Well it’s good news for you; Nokia is releasing a new range of phones specifically targeted to your part time shotter; introducing the 3310.
The new phone comes well equipped with all your hustling needs.
The 3310 offers a varied selection of cutting edge apps to help you organise your huge pool of clientele; the contact book allows you to store literally 10s of names and numbers and even allows you to create your own 4-bit customised ringtones!
The eagerly anticipated Snake app offers the perfect pastime when you’re waiting on first year Brad to get cash out 30 mins after he said he’d definitely be with you. The stellar predictive text feature allows for swift and efficient responses to all those ‘you far g?’ messages, whilst the calculator app ensures you always keep on top of those profit margins and GDP reports.
Now for all your ambitious exotic escapades, the 3310 even comes with a semi-accurate currency converter, so you can quickly calculate how many draws you need to sell to afford next season’s ski pass.
How much is this amazing piece of technology going to set you back? Well your mums will be happy to know that for only 50 British sterling, their son can acquire the foundations for what may be a very successful career in imports and exports.
And the best part is, you don’t have to worry about police ever reading your texts, because this thing has so little memory that you have to delete texts almost straight away! If that isn’t genius, I don’t know what is.
I’ll expect to see Nokia’s stock prices explode in the next few days; this huge technological breakthrough may finally rival Apple’s latest device. So get saving lads, there’s money to be made.
Disclaimer: This article is a satirical piece, and in no way provides any factual information.
words by Alex Rodrigues